It finally happened. The moment is here at last. The golf world, and the media storm that follows him, have been eagerly waiting for Tiger Woods to hold a press conference and address the fiasco and his fall from grace since his car crash last Thanksgiving Day. My personal opinion on the situation is that he cheated on his wife, Elin, not the rest of us so it is none of our business. Last time I checked my name wasn’t on their marriage license so it doesn’t affect me either way. But since he is a public figure and is worth over a billion dollars, I can see the fascination with his life. I don’t like people in my business so if I was Tiger Woods, this is how I would handle the press conference.
(Tiger Woods walks to the podium with a bottle of Gatorade in his hand. He is wearing a Nike golf shirt and Nike visor.)
Tiger Woods: Ladies and gentleman, I called this press conference to announce my return to golf. I also want to publicly apologize to my wife and children for embarrassing them and forcing them into this unwanted spotlight. I ask that the media respect my family and please give them space. I also want to thank the sponsors that have stayed by my side through this nightmare. Any questions?
Reporter: Tiger, what do you have to say about the many, many women that have come forward claiming to have had affairs with you?
Tiger Woods: (takes a drink from his Gatorade bottle) I have nothing to say about that. This is a private matter between my family and I.
Reporter: Some of these women are claiming to have had relationships with you since before your marriage to Elin. You let your sponsors down. You have disappointed your fans. What do you have to say to all of that?
Tiger Woods: (takes another drink from his Gatorade bottle and adjusts his Nike visor) I’m the number one golfer in the world. None of this has affected my game. The sponsors that continue to pay me (lifts his Gatorade bottle and points to the Nike logo on his shirt) know that I will continue to dominate the game. Everyone is upset over the fact that I am a Black man, my wife is white and I am the richest athlete in the world.
Reporter: Do you have anything to say to your fans?
Tiger Woods: I am sorry that my personal life is now in the public eye and it has overshadowed my accomplishments in the world of golf. I ask all of my fans to stick by me and I will let my game do the talking from here on in.
(Tiger takes his visor off and throws it into the crowd. He turns to walk away but another reporter asks him one last question.)
Reporter: Will you be leaving your wife for any of your alleged mistresses?
Tiger Woods: In the immortal words of Snoop Doggy Dogg, I don’t love them hoes. See you on the golf course, everyone!
Now I know that he will never, ever hold a press conference like that but it would have been interesting for Tiger Woods to put everyone in their place. Not that I condone what he did but this really is a personal matter. We all forget that there are real lives involved here and not a soap opera. There are very real feelings and very real emotions attached to this story and no matter how interesting or sensational it becomes, we should all mind our own damn business. Profiting off of someone else’s pain is never cool but unfortunately that seems to be the American way…